Here's one I prepared earlier

Now everybody knows that China is a world leader in hoiking. The streets are certainly paved with gold(en mucous). We've heard the moistest, most ear-shattering, deep-deep-lung phlegm balls that we've ever experienced and ever hope to experience.

But I reckon if the Chinese have one other event they could be even better in, it's gotta be staring. I remember those staring competitions in primary school. We were absolute rank amateurs compared to these boys. Now I know that we may stick out a bit, and it's only natural to have a little look-see at someone funny looking coming towards you, but this is some serious fullblown, mouthgaping, eye-boring action. Prime target - Sarah's chest. Apparently the Chinese have never seen anything resembling breasts before. I'm thinking next year they're going to start tearing down the 60 foot statues of Mao in the main squares of each major city and replace them with likenesses of my girlfriend's decolletage. Ok ok, I may be a little jealous. My manboobs aren't getting nearly they attention they so richly deserve.

But I cop a good old staring in my own right I'll have you know! I haven't won a single staring competition in China so far (and let me tell you, there's an opportunity every 5-10 seconds), but at least I'm working up to the occasional stalemate now. This occurs when the Chinese person in question is blatantly gawping at me and I notice, cooly maintain eye contact and smile and wave. Invariably the blatant stare and inscrutable expression remain carved in stone. So I resist the impulse to look away and impassively continue to look them lovingly in the eyes. This goes on as we approach, pass each other and keep walking away in opposite directions. The stand-off only terminates when one of us turns a corner, or is obscured by the curvature of the earth as we pass over the horizon...

My next mission is to hold someones gaze as we pass and get them to walk into a telegraph pole. Or a river. Maybe a gorge.